"Your confidence is healthy, but you could take it too far. You cannot do everything all at once, even if you think you can. You must choose your projects and your battles carefully and then give it your very best. If you try to take on too many things today, you'll probably long for a simpler way of living while sacrificing quality for quantity."

I have been making lists forever...mostly because my mind has left that part behind lately. But I'm finding if I make lists every night for the next day and a super-duper weekly one at the beginning of the week, it tends to keep me more on track and get more things accomplished. The hardest part of my weeks are the weeknights. When I finally get home (I leave work at 4:15, pick Cohen up by 5:15/5:30, pick Benjamin up by 5:30/6, finally get home between 6 & 6:30), I don't have the time, effort or stamina to do what I mapped out to do. Tuesday nights are ALWAYS library nights, so that's a guaranteed nothing night. But all the other nights, by the time we get home, get dinner, do some baths, and see what's up for the next day, it's almost time for bed. Last night I felt so bad I ended up going to bed by 7:30...I could've easily done it by 6:30!!!

It's funny I actually heard myself reference "quality versus quantity" to Benjamin just the other night in the car. Can't remember what I was talking about, but I know it's very difficult to come up with an explanation of what quality means for a seven year-old! My rheumatologist already told me to give up my night job (or weekend job as it's turning out to be), it's putting too much stress on my body as well as my relationships with Bob and the boys. I feel like I have too much invested now: I got a website, a room, an embroidery machine, fabric out the hoo-hoo and all sorts of other fun things...how could I just give up now? When I get my job at University of Montevallo, life will turn into a piece of pie. I can reduce my commute by 1 1/2 hours each direction and look at all that time I gain at the end of the week!!!!

Ever since moving to the South, I have heard the adage often. I don’t know if it’s because people are more religious, superstitious or believe in karma. Whenever they play the lottery, they make sure to announce they are going to be the winner. Maybe it’s just always having a positive attitude or negativity will ultimately catch up to you.

I’ve decided to try this form of reality. Their lives seem to be much more peaceful and organized. So this is how I’m going to start my day…to list and read aloud all the things that are going to change my life. Thank you for being here to share it with me.

-- I have the best behaved, smartest, and down-to-earth children in the world.
-- The boys love to lend a hand, share, and provide an all-together enjoyable atmosphere.
-- I can sleep when I’m dead; each day is valuable and needs to be appreciated as such.
-- Our new budget is working out very well and allowing us to do more family-oriented activities.
-- I will always speak what’s on my mind, but in a way that is as least offensive as possible.
-- I will not revel in the pain of others for my own entertainment.
-- Vulgar language is for ignorant people, and I refuse to give into layman’s terms.
-- I am beating this pain; it has retreated to just a tickle.
-- My husband is a kind, generous and caring husband and father as well as most successful at his chosen profession.
-- Bob has learned being a husband and father means not always getting what you want.
-- Sacrifice should not be a dreaded word; it just shows us how frugal we can be.
-- I am getting a job closer to home, increasing my family’s quality time together.
-- My parents will bend over backwards to help us, even if it is difficult for them.
-- My diet is working out splendidly as I am losing weight at a comfortable rate.
-- I can give up sweet tea and other bad vises easily due to my strong willpower.
-- My Etsy business is successfully; I am completely capable of balancing it with my other responsibilities.
-- Each of these items is equally valuable in the evolution to a peaceful, less chaotic, and Zen life.

The more I try to understand myself, the more I get into a quandary. I broke down and read my horoscope or whatever those things are called (Zodiac Personality Profiles?), as well as my relationship horoscope. It fits me (and Bob) to a T!!!! However, I am not comfortable with some of the characteristics I found to be prominent as an Aries; I don't know how to change those. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the narcissistic one. A lot of the decisions in my life do not coincide with this, therefore, I'm having trouble living out the mistakes. I don't want to admit fault, I don't want to go on living my life miserably, I don't know how to change the characteristics or situations that are making me so pissy. I feel like all I do is bitch and moan about every little thing. People are going to get tired of that crap pretty soon, so then I'll be friendless too. I find myself blaming my action, activities, thoughts, feelings, etc. on those items which seem unchangeable by me...such as medications, horoscopes, external sources. UGH, totally confused and completely miserable as a person...wonder what the next life will bring. I think reincarnation is like the movie "Groundhog's Day"...you just keep coming back over and over until you get it right. Wonder if this is my first time trying this or my 100th and I just don't learn lessons real well.

I received this shortly after posting my previous blog. I found it fitting and timely:

May 12, 2009
NO ONE IS SO GOOD THAT HE HAS NO BAD IN HIM, AND NO ONE IS SO BAD THAT HE HAS NO GOOD IN HIM.
We human beings are a complex lot. Many religious writings and great literary works are based upon the constant struggle between good and evil that goes on inside every one of us. This struggle is as old as mankind itself. Yet, while we recognize our own inner struggles, we are often quick to condemn others. Psychologists tell us that there is no such thing as a bad person; there are only bad behaviors. Make it a point to look for the good in yourself-and in others. Nurture the good character traits and work on the ones that may need improvement. Like plants in a garden, the character traits that grow strong and productive will be those that are fed, watered, and weeded regularly.

Thank you, Ericka...I needed that :o)

I keep thinking about all the mistakes I've made in my life or all the paths I could have taken. I am truly not one of these people..."No regrets since we can't change the past". But recently, it makes me wonder; I question myself as a wife, mother, daughter, employee, person-in general! How do I get out of it without hurting the people I leave behind even though they don't even really know me...They just know the person I let them see.

I was rarely a bad kid; only did the stupid things others did because I was a follower (yes, me). I don't want to work where I am, I really don't want to do anything but sleep most of the time...but I guess even that gets me in trouble and I don't even know it. I have loved Bob with all my being since the second time I met him; we haven't been apart since and I don't plan on it anytime soon. I never wanted to be a mother, kids just weren't a good idea for me - I am selfish, an only child for goodness sake. But Bob wanted them and convinced me I'd be a great mom...so now since I've proved myself right, how do I take it back so I don't screw up their lives forever.

My perfect plan was ruined; now they are old enough to understand leaving my options to fate.

But somehow I am a combination of desperately needy and deplorably stubborn. I stand tall just not to fall down crying, I attack first just not to be attacked, I put up a brick wall just because I have no confidence, I change my goals just not to keep failing miserably at the same thing. I have to put on a facade just to have friends. I have never felt comfortable with anyone enough to tell them who and what I really am or how I really feel. They shun people like me; left to be alone in the gutter with just their thoughts and ravaging for food and attention.

Depression isn't an answer - I'm on the drugs, visited the doctors, got the books, know all the answers to all the questions. Can't someone just be uselessly miserable without putting a name to it? My life was actually at a peak where I thought I could live happily and it's gone with the blink of an eye. No pills to fix it, no words to comfort, no sunshine to shed light on it. I'm done.

Working full-time (and driving 1+ hours to get there and home), trying to grow a sewing business (www.quiltedmemories4u.etsy.com), trying to be a mom to two children that act exactly like their mom and dad, and at this point with Bob home, I don't even try to be a wife.

I realized long ago that I am NOT SuperWoman or SuperMom, even though I still try. It's like beating a dead horse, but I just can't get out of my mind that I can do all things woman...clean, cook, teach, mentor, taxi, fornicate, make happy, sleep, sew, satisfy, and on and on and on and on and on. I think my body has given up on this marathon, but my mind is still in the race. Even on drugs I get depressed very easily, but then there are days that nothing can stop me (but my hurting body).

I realize I am evil. I don't have thoughts as others have (however, Bob and Mom are close 2nds!!). I don't look at the world as others do...I'm not Godly, or even spiritual at the moment, I don't have time for that crap. I guess I just take responsibility for my own actions, figure you're going to die whenever the timer goes off, and if you don't like something about yourself, change it. I kinda like being the curly-headed, goth, black humor, off-the-wall, unknown, girl from Cowtown that has a way of corrupting even the best people. I don't fit in anywhere, except on House & Roseanne. Except, I just feel they exploit the personality for comedic entertainment for those who don't (or don't want to) understand people like me. People use these as "feel good" shows; you know like watching "Jon & Kate Plus 8" and thinking...OK, my life can be sooooo much worse, I can handle this. It's the days when you think...OK, I don't want to handle this anymore that become more demanding.

I hear myself keep repeating a portion of a book I used to read to the boys: Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball, so no one can see because I am so small. When the day ends and the sun starts to fall, I do what I do best of all, I find somewhere soft, somewhere cozy and small. And that's where I like to curl up in a ball.

I took Benjamin to the psychiatrist today for his ADD/Impulsive bi-monthly check-up. He's increased his meds to reduce the impulses, hyperactivity, and anger issues. The child is always on the go. I wish I had just a portion of his energy. I could get so much done!!!! I think I'm ADD and if Bob's ADD, you get SUPER ADD!!!!!!!!

I've also come to a realization that I hate bowling. Do you know WHY I hate bowling? Because I'm not good at it. I don't want to be good at it. It annoys me. This is exactly how I construed parenting before I met Bob. I am envious of people who thinking motherhood is the best job in the world. I am not a hand-holder or ego-stroker. I don't like cleaning up after people who can't/won't do it themselves. I don't like having to be a psychologist and figure out what works to make them do what I want them to do. I hate spending money on things they are just going to break or disrespect (but can't figure out how to get them to do the opposite...see psychologist comment).

Guess it's a good thing I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow!

I went to pick Benjamin up from school yesterday as usual. I was signing him out when I heard this horrendous scream that only a mom knows is her child. I turned around to see Benjamin with his hand to his head, tears streaming down his face, and the teacher in absolute terror. He'd apparently taken a header into the cement block gym wall creating an instantly bruised goose egg. Two things make this a major issue: 1 - Benjamin is a pussy when it comes to pain; 2 - The teacher's reaction made him panic.

This is not the first time we've experienced this exact incident...of course, the first time he was two, at a wedding, and apparently drinking wine from the head table. He took a header into a steel door jam when he lost his footing. Bob and his mom freaked. I had to take him outside away from them all to be able to assess the damage...what's your name, how old are you, can you stand up straight? I ended up having to take him to Children's Hospital ALONE (Bob was the DJ at the wedding, and I didn't need a 3-month old Cohen making things worse). He was fine.

Yesterday finally turned sensible when I got the teacher removed from his sight. The panic in her eyes was making him cry harder. I took off my sweater, wrapped the ice in it and stuck it on his head as I convinced him everything would be fine. I made sure to give detailed descriptions of what the process was going to be in order to see if he was following directions or disoriented. He got a drink of water and walked out fine. I'm either an insensitive bitch or can handle chaos.

I know it's not just me thinking the days are going by faster and faster than ever before. It seems like Benjamin was only a little tyke and now he's up to my cleavage! I'm finding myself behind on bills, not because I don't have the money; it's just when they call, I'm almost shocked to find the month has gone by so quickly it can't possibly be that time of the month already. I sometimes wonder if this is how the world ends...it just keeps going so fast that eventually you're living just one huge day.

Bob is already at M&Ds helping to prepare food. I made the ham here (just got done glazing and waiting to take it out, then we'll be on our way too). The boys are supposed to be taking a nap, but I hear them playing Star Wars in their room. I've actually tried to do my hair, put make up on and a nice blouse...I'm sure as soon as Cohen sees me, he'll ask if I'm wearing 'Pretty, Pretty Princess' shoes. Which I will as a last snub of my nose to winter and my pedicure.

I've been thinking about being thankful and the more I look at it, the more I see I just take too many things for granted. I can't tell you the last time I hugged my mom, or made up a story with the boys. I'm tired of being a "grown-up" grown up. I want to go back to the summers that never end and drinking out of a water hose. I want to teach the boys how to make mud pies using old pot pie tins. There's gotta be a few things change before this can happen, but I'm working on him too. Life has turned into too much punishment and no fun. You only live this life once, why not have fun at it?

I was in an impromptu meeting this morning with a taxpayer. It dawned on me that I may be his "pay-it-forward". If you haven't seen the movie, you must. It makes the absolute most sense. Anyway...he had fallen on some hard times, fell behind on taxes and such; this is my second encounter with the same person (the first time I turned him away). After listening to his story I realized this was my opportunity to right a wrong, to help out a member of society that may actually have to go under or shut their doors because of me. It was very disconcerning to think a man working 40 years in the same place would have to stop what he loves doing just because I couldn't comp a few fees.



Next week is Thanksgiving and I believe this is truly the first year I have thought about what it means. Even as a child making the pilgrim and indian paraphenalia in school, I don't think I thought deeply about it. This year I look back on all the preparation (we're using a map as the tablecloth; making turkeys from pine cones, feathers, and pipe cleaners; making Mayflowers out of construction paper and tooth picks) not to mention the food, but that's not my area. My favorite Great Aunt is coming down from Ohio this year (she's 85 and this may be the last time I see her). I started thinking that my family has never gone around the table to say what they are thankful for, so this year is going to be the beginning of a new tradition. I want the boys to appreciate what types of people they have in their life. Love people for their differences as well as their sameness. Be giving of support and you will receive more than you ever imagined.

Yes, this is the description I have gotten describing me to a T. I have some good friends having issues describing me to others...well, here's your chance.

Bossy, Selfish, Insensitive bitch (lovely nickname given by hubby after I asked if he's mom finally called because someone died...it was her father; for the third time. Yeah, don't ask.), Cut throat bitch (fitting nickname applied by pastor employee), Blunt, Strong, Unforgiving, Smart Ass, Devil, Outgoing. If you know either of the characters listed above, you pretty much can figure me out.

Bob has always use the Darlene comparison, but after dying my hair black this weekend, I walked into work and my pastor employee just stared. Without provocation, he's called me Darlene ever since. He told me I could be her stand-in and no one would notice the difference.

I'm planning on getting pics this weekend of the hair to put on my sites. :o)

I have just been thinking back over what my life has been like, what makes me the way I am, who shaped my virtues and ethics, so on and so forth.

I also wondered how to keep our kids on the straight and narrow, without being narrow-minded and short-sighted. What was the defining moment to make me say no to a joint, what made me not become an alcoholic, why didn't I get pregnant and ruin my life, why didn't I go away to college, could I have done things differently and ended up the same. How am I going to have our boys make the same, right decisions? OK, maybe they aren't "right" decisions, but they definitely weren't wrong, right?

What does the future hold? Will I be a grandma to a few adopted kids from my gay sons? Will I be the mom of an astronaut or serial killer? What one decision do I make that makes all the difference?

Everyone knows I am NOT a religious person...I don't really believe in things that don't follow the five senses. However, I do believe I'm spiritual (which really just throws a wrench in the past sentence), but for some reason it makes sense to me. I believe in reincarnation, ghosts, aliens, kharma...so what does this mean? Am I confusing the two? If I would release myself to this "higher power" would my life change? If so, better or worse? I see "God", as people call it (don't really want to debate if there's a her or him), as a scapegoat. People don't want to take responsibility for the good or bad happening in their life, so they credit GOD for their troubles or joys. What happened to the "I" in responsibility and accountability????? I pulled the trigger, he died, end of story...get a grip people.

Ya know, when I played sports we would win or lose, but we learned how to be good sports either way. Now we have kids that don't keep score...so are we raising a generation of "let's just be friends cause we're scared of good competition"? Pansy-asses.