I am only human...I think

I keep thinking about all the mistakes I've made in my life or all the paths I could have taken. I am truly not one of these people..."No regrets since we can't change the past". But recently, it makes me wonder; I question myself as a wife, mother, daughter, employee, person-in general! How do I get out of it without hurting the people I leave behind even though they don't even really know me...They just know the person I let them see.

I was rarely a bad kid; only did the stupid things others did because I was a follower (yes, me). I don't want to work where I am, I really don't want to do anything but sleep most of the time...but I guess even that gets me in trouble and I don't even know it. I have loved Bob with all my being since the second time I met him; we haven't been apart since and I don't plan on it anytime soon. I never wanted to be a mother, kids just weren't a good idea for me - I am selfish, an only child for goodness sake. But Bob wanted them and convinced me I'd be a great mom...so now since I've proved myself right, how do I take it back so I don't screw up their lives forever.

My perfect plan was ruined; now they are old enough to understand leaving my options to fate.

But somehow I am a combination of desperately needy and deplorably stubborn. I stand tall just not to fall down crying, I attack first just not to be attacked, I put up a brick wall just because I have no confidence, I change my goals just not to keep failing miserably at the same thing. I have to put on a facade just to have friends. I have never felt comfortable with anyone enough to tell them who and what I really am or how I really feel. They shun people like me; left to be alone in the gutter with just their thoughts and ravaging for food and attention.

Depression isn't an answer - I'm on the drugs, visited the doctors, got the books, know all the answers to all the questions. Can't someone just be uselessly miserable without putting a name to it? My life was actually at a peak where I thought I could live happily and it's gone with the blink of an eye. No pills to fix it, no words to comfort, no sunshine to shed light on it. I'm done.


My Stalkers