Working full-time (and driving 1+ hours to get there and home), trying to grow a sewing business (www.quiltedmemories4u.etsy.com), trying to be a mom to two children that act exactly like their mom and dad, and at this point with Bob home, I don't even try to be a wife.

I realized long ago that I am NOT SuperWoman or SuperMom, even though I still try. It's like beating a dead horse, but I just can't get out of my mind that I can do all things woman...clean, cook, teach, mentor, taxi, fornicate, make happy, sleep, sew, satisfy, and on and on and on and on and on. I think my body has given up on this marathon, but my mind is still in the race. Even on drugs I get depressed very easily, but then there are days that nothing can stop me (but my hurting body).

I realize I am evil. I don't have thoughts as others have (however, Bob and Mom are close 2nds!!). I don't look at the world as others do...I'm not Godly, or even spiritual at the moment, I don't have time for that crap. I guess I just take responsibility for my own actions, figure you're going to die whenever the timer goes off, and if you don't like something about yourself, change it. I kinda like being the curly-headed, goth, black humor, off-the-wall, unknown, girl from Cowtown that has a way of corrupting even the best people. I don't fit in anywhere, except on House & Roseanne. Except, I just feel they exploit the personality for comedic entertainment for those who don't (or don't want to) understand people like me. People use these as "feel good" shows; you know like watching "Jon & Kate Plus 8" and thinking...OK, my life can be sooooo much worse, I can handle this. It's the days when you think...OK, I don't want to handle this anymore that become more demanding.

I hear myself keep repeating a portion of a book I used to read to the boys: Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball, so no one can see because I am so small. When the day ends and the sun starts to fall, I do what I do best of all, I find somewhere soft, somewhere cozy and small. And that's where I like to curl up in a ball.

I have just been thinking back over what my life has been like, what makes me the way I am, who shaped my virtues and ethics, so on and so forth.

I also wondered how to keep our kids on the straight and narrow, without being narrow-minded and short-sighted. What was the defining moment to make me say no to a joint, what made me not become an alcoholic, why didn't I get pregnant and ruin my life, why didn't I go away to college, could I have done things differently and ended up the same. How am I going to have our boys make the same, right decisions? OK, maybe they aren't "right" decisions, but they definitely weren't wrong, right?

What does the future hold? Will I be a grandma to a few adopted kids from my gay sons? Will I be the mom of an astronaut or serial killer? What one decision do I make that makes all the difference?

Everyone knows I am NOT a religious person...I don't really believe in things that don't follow the five senses. However, I do believe I'm spiritual (which really just throws a wrench in the past sentence), but for some reason it makes sense to me. I believe in reincarnation, ghosts, aliens, kharma...so what does this mean? Am I confusing the two? If I would release myself to this "higher power" would my life change? If so, better or worse? I see "God", as people call it (don't really want to debate if there's a her or him), as a scapegoat. People don't want to take responsibility for the good or bad happening in their life, so they credit GOD for their troubles or joys. What happened to the "I" in responsibility and accountability????? I pulled the trigger, he died, end of story...get a grip people.

Ya know, when I played sports we would win or lose, but we learned how to be good sports either way. Now we have kids that don't keep score...so are we raising a generation of "let's just be friends cause we're scared of good competition"? Pansy-asses.