So many things, so little time...

Working full-time (and driving 1+ hours to get there and home), trying to grow a sewing business (, trying to be a mom to two children that act exactly like their mom and dad, and at this point with Bob home, I don't even try to be a wife.

I realized long ago that I am NOT SuperWoman or SuperMom, even though I still try. It's like beating a dead horse, but I just can't get out of my mind that I can do all things woman...clean, cook, teach, mentor, taxi, fornicate, make happy, sleep, sew, satisfy, and on and on and on and on and on. I think my body has given up on this marathon, but my mind is still in the race. Even on drugs I get depressed very easily, but then there are days that nothing can stop me (but my hurting body).

I realize I am evil. I don't have thoughts as others have (however, Bob and Mom are close 2nds!!). I don't look at the world as others do...I'm not Godly, or even spiritual at the moment, I don't have time for that crap. I guess I just take responsibility for my own actions, figure you're going to die whenever the timer goes off, and if you don't like something about yourself, change it. I kinda like being the curly-headed, goth, black humor, off-the-wall, unknown, girl from Cowtown that has a way of corrupting even the best people. I don't fit in anywhere, except on House & Roseanne. Except, I just feel they exploit the personality for comedic entertainment for those who don't (or don't want to) understand people like me. People use these as "feel good" shows; you know like watching "Jon & Kate Plus 8" and thinking...OK, my life can be sooooo much worse, I can handle this. It's the days when you think...OK, I don't want to handle this anymore that become more demanding.

I hear myself keep repeating a portion of a book I used to read to the boys: Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball, so no one can see because I am so small. When the day ends and the sun starts to fall, I do what I do best of all, I find somewhere soft, somewhere cozy and small. And that's where I like to curl up in a ball.


My Stalkers