I keep thinking about all the mistakes I've made in my life or all the paths I could have taken. I am truly not one of these people..."No regrets since we can't change the past". But recently, it makes me wonder; I question myself as a wife, mother, daughter, employee, person-in general! How do I get out of it without hurting the people I leave behind even though they don't even really know me...They just know the person I let them see.

I was rarely a bad kid; only did the stupid things others did because I was a follower (yes, me). I don't want to work where I am, I really don't want to do anything but sleep most of the time...but I guess even that gets me in trouble and I don't even know it. I have loved Bob with all my being since the second time I met him; we haven't been apart since and I don't plan on it anytime soon. I never wanted to be a mother, kids just weren't a good idea for me - I am selfish, an only child for goodness sake. But Bob wanted them and convinced me I'd be a great mom...so now since I've proved myself right, how do I take it back so I don't screw up their lives forever.

My perfect plan was ruined; now they are old enough to understand leaving my options to fate.

But somehow I am a combination of desperately needy and deplorably stubborn. I stand tall just not to fall down crying, I attack first just not to be attacked, I put up a brick wall just because I have no confidence, I change my goals just not to keep failing miserably at the same thing. I have to put on a facade just to have friends. I have never felt comfortable with anyone enough to tell them who and what I really am or how I really feel. They shun people like me; left to be alone in the gutter with just their thoughts and ravaging for food and attention.

Depression isn't an answer - I'm on the drugs, visited the doctors, got the books, know all the answers to all the questions. Can't someone just be uselessly miserable without putting a name to it? My life was actually at a peak where I thought I could live happily and it's gone with the blink of an eye. No pills to fix it, no words to comfort, no sunshine to shed light on it. I'm done.