I just got another request for a strapless dress! Just need to get measurements for the two I have and I'll be on my merry way. I also need T-shirts to do the T-shirt quilt and the terry cloth gown is underway! Just a little bit at a time...baby steps!

Have a 7 year-old still wetting the bed...any suggestions?

Cohen is a Mini-Manda & I'm not liking it one bit!!!

I'm forgetting a lot lately, maybe the rheumatologist will find a fix for that in August.

Speaking of August, if you are a prayer soul I need you now more than ever. If not, I need you to cross your fingers. There's a big, life changing event about to occur and with your help, it will happen!!!!!

I finally found the lights I want in the kitchen. They would match perfectly with the multi-colored Fiestaware. They have all sorts of different styles which would make it easy to decorate the entire kitchen/dining combo with peacock feather lights!!!! I also found the Shower I want to install in our Master Bath (someday!).

Well, for all of you that care, the buttscope came out fine (no pun intended!!). I'm paying for most of my activities this weekend, like not caring what I ate, sewing, cleaning, and playing in 100+* heat! Yes, we are still a/c free. Hopefully since Bob is off Friday & Monday this/next week, we'll be able to have someone in by July. I sure as hell hope so!!!! Don't know how much longer my weeny self can handle this! The boys helped Bob wash his truck for Father's Day (he's been trying to sell it to get something else). Of course, hot sun + fun in water = a REALLY bad sunburn!!!! Bob, not the boys...he was consciencious enough to put sunscreen on them!

Benjamin is becoming such a young man. His fifth tooth has started coming through the gums, so it'll be knocking out a few more soon, I'm sure. He can make the most awesome whistle, though!!!

Cohen is being effected horribly by the full moon. For those of you who also have kids affected, the next one is July 7...so I should be griping again around then (Benjamin is the week of and Cohen is the week after). It's like PMS, you really only get two good weeks out of a month!!!!

Speaking of PMS, I'm pretty sure my ovaries are still doing their job but failing miserably. The last estrogen count I had was 57 (which is usually what menopausal women receiving hormone treatment are), however, my other test which shows if you are or not in menopause said no. But the rheumatologist told me to be on the lookout for: Irregular periods & Decreased fertility were taken care of by the hysterectomy, Vaginal dryness - don't think so, I'll have Bob check ;o), Hot flashes - I've had some major ones lately, but then again I don't have A/C, Sleep disturbances - This is normal for before the hysterectomy, Mood swings - Hello, my whole life is a mood swing, Increased abdominal fat - Have you seen my apartment?, Thinning hair - I could actually use this one, Loss of breast fullness - Great, they are going to hang lower than they did before! I guess in this case I could be on my way...Yeah, another surgery to remove my ovaries (I'm only excited because she said she'd give me a tummy tuck too while I was there!!!!).

"Your confidence is healthy, but you could take it too far. You cannot do everything all at once, even if you think you can. You must choose your projects and your battles carefully and then give it your very best. If you try to take on too many things today, you'll probably long for a simpler way of living while sacrificing quality for quantity."

I have been making lists forever...mostly because my mind has left that part behind lately. But I'm finding if I make lists every night for the next day and a super-duper weekly one at the beginning of the week, it tends to keep me more on track and get more things accomplished. The hardest part of my weeks are the weeknights. When I finally get home (I leave work at 4:15, pick Cohen up by 5:15/5:30, pick Benjamin up by 5:30/6, finally get home between 6 & 6:30), I don't have the time, effort or stamina to do what I mapped out to do. Tuesday nights are ALWAYS library nights, so that's a guaranteed nothing night. But all the other nights, by the time we get home, get dinner, do some baths, and see what's up for the next day, it's almost time for bed. Last night I felt so bad I ended up going to bed by 7:30...I could've easily done it by 6:30!!!

It's funny I actually heard myself reference "quality versus quantity" to Benjamin just the other night in the car. Can't remember what I was talking about, but I know it's very difficult to come up with an explanation of what quality means for a seven year-old! My rheumatologist already told me to give up my night job (or weekend job as it's turning out to be), it's putting too much stress on my body as well as my relationships with Bob and the boys. I feel like I have too much invested now: I got a website, a room, an embroidery machine, fabric out the hoo-hoo and all sorts of other fun things...how could I just give up now? When I get my job at University of Montevallo, life will turn into a piece of pie. I can reduce my commute by 1 1/2 hours each direction and look at all that time I gain at the end of the week!!!!

I never thought about my ills on a serious level before until April 14. That was until my appointment with the new rheumatologist. She has turned my life upside down. I haven't gotten my labs back yet, which isn't as important as the call I'm waiting on today. I had my bone scan yesterday...and of course, dumbass me hit the internet last night. After my full body scan, the nurse decided to add a couple extra pictures. The first one was between my chest & abdomen. I didn't think anything of it until another nurse walked in the room. She called her over to look at the screen; of course I couldn't hear anything they were saying EXCEPT kidneys. Then she said, I'm taking the picture over again just to confirm - RED FLAG on the play!!!! My mind started going in overdrive. My grandmother had all the same symptoms as I do (never diagnosed), she unexpectedly died at 48 with kidney failure (& they don't know why).

The rheumatologist also requested separate pictures of my hands and feet. No big deal, I understand the concept. When I was walking out the door, I looked on the monitor and saw my hands. My wrists were glowing white, like I was wearing glow-in-the-dark bracelets! So, I got home and went on an internet adventure. The first absolutely shocking thing I found out is doctors don't normally request a FULL body bone scan unless they are looking for cancer, either cancer that starts in the bone or cancer that has spread from somewhere else, like breast, lung, etc. If it's arthritis or such, they will do portions, like the hands & feet...this is usually enough to confirm the diagnosis. Next, I researched all the things bone scans are supposed to detect: bone/marrow cancer (primary or secondary), bone lymphoma (a different type of bone cancer involving the lymphatic system of the body), bone infections, and arthritic conditions --- in that order.

UGH!!!!!!!! I can't wait for her to call me back. I've already decided if she asks me to come into the office, I'm going to say no and make her tell me over the phone. This way I can deal with things on my own terms. Of course the unknown wasn't a problem when I didn't know it was unknown. But now that someone else knows, I don't want to be an unknown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I've been bitching, whining and complaining about all that ails me...all I wanted was a diagnosis in order to treat "something". Well, I should've been more careful what I wish for...I guess it's still better to know than to keep throwing drugs at it and missing!!!!

I go for my bone scan on Wednesday. The rheumatologist said it is abnormal for such deterioration to occur in only four years. So, it can be as a "small" as osteoarthritis (which equates to weekly shots in the stomach for $600/month AFTER insurance and probably disability) or as "large" as bone or bone marrow cancer. Yeah, I don't particularly vote for either one of those, but hey, what's a girl to do???? I got my wish answered, now I got to face the music.

But it's going to be such good music...just like the flash drive Bob loaded up for me. I listen to it everyday for 8 hours a day and very rarely hear the same song in a week!!!!! How's that for service.

I figured I've watched Mom go through eight brain surgeries and I hope she has made me as strong as she is...so I can do this. Just wish the boys were a little bit older so they could understand why Momma doesn't always feel like playing.

To recap: I slept 47 hours from Friday, 10am until Monday, 530am!!!!! At least I can say I'm feeling a bit better. Still have a headache today, my eyes are still blurry, took a nap in my chair at lunch*, can't concentrate on work (I'm doing really good on writing articles and books and stuff, OH MY).

~~So Amanda, how did you become a writer? "Well, I couldn't concentrate on the job I got paid for, so I used that time to write a novel, 14 articles and so on." Yeah, that's how I'm seeing my life pay off. I've started four stories and I have submitted them to four reliable sources who I know will tear me down just to build me back up :o) One of the ramblings I emailed back to Redbook is getting published...sometime. I missed the deadline this month for All You Magazine. I downloaded a list of writing contests to enter, but haven't gotten it back out since all these sewing projects have piled up.

Cohen and Benjamin had a great Easter...Benjamin even sent the Easter Bunny a thank you letter. The flag was up on the mailbox when we left last night!!! Cohen had this really weird thing going on last night though. About 10 times in a minute, he would look at something like he was trying to focus, he'd move his eyes as far right as they would possibly go and open them as wide as they'd go. Thankfully he isn't doing it today, but man, that was some odd looking crap.

* Don't know if you ever have, but I have woken myself up snoring, laughing, talking, farting, etc. Well, it's commonly known that I sleep in my office during lunch. Just close the door, prop my feet up and thank goodness for reclining chairs!!! Today I didn't figure I'd actually go to sleep (did you see above?), but I thought I'd rest my eyes and think about what I'm going to do tonight. Next thing I know I'm yelling words I can't understand, scaring the crap out myself!!! I asked my neighbors if they heard me, but I don't think they want to tell me the truth.

I don't ever remember complaining this much in my life. However, I never remember feeling this horrible before. I just feel like I could curl up in a ball and go to sleep forever. Even as I'm typing this my eyes are shut, I'm listening to music, and imagining the clock saying 12 o'clock so I can kick back in my office and take a nap. Yes...I'm spoiled; but this is the kinda of spoiled I would rather not be.

I had to leave Benjamin's baseball game Tuesday night because it was so horribly cold. I'm still feeling the effects in my joints, muscles and bones from sitting in the weather for little over an hour. I can't stand this feeling anymore...and it's only going to get worse when summer gets here. We HAVE to have an air conditioning system this year or I may truly not live through it. Last year was bad enough.

I wish I just had a name, an answer, a path. I feel like people are looking at me like I'm faking cause I'm a 32 year old that feels like I'm 90!!!! Even our kids have gotten to the point where they will say, no Momma can't play today; she doesn't feel well. I am just hoping for some kind of light at the end of the tunnel after Tuesday's appointment with the new rheumatologist. After 18 years of this crap just progressively getting to the point where I want to kill others or myself just to put us out of my misery, I need an answer.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been disconnected due to energy conservation!

Working full-time (and driving 1+ hours to get there and home), trying to grow a sewing business (www.quiltedmemories4u.etsy.com), trying to be a mom to two children that act exactly like their mom and dad, and at this point with Bob home, I don't even try to be a wife.

I realized long ago that I am NOT SuperWoman or SuperMom, even though I still try. It's like beating a dead horse, but I just can't get out of my mind that I can do all things woman...clean, cook, teach, mentor, taxi, fornicate, make happy, sleep, sew, satisfy, and on and on and on and on and on. I think my body has given up on this marathon, but my mind is still in the race. Even on drugs I get depressed very easily, but then there are days that nothing can stop me (but my hurting body).

I realize I am evil. I don't have thoughts as others have (however, Bob and Mom are close 2nds!!). I don't look at the world as others do...I'm not Godly, or even spiritual at the moment, I don't have time for that crap. I guess I just take responsibility for my own actions, figure you're going to die whenever the timer goes off, and if you don't like something about yourself, change it. I kinda like being the curly-headed, goth, black humor, off-the-wall, unknown, girl from Cowtown that has a way of corrupting even the best people. I don't fit in anywhere, except on House & Roseanne. Except, I just feel they exploit the personality for comedic entertainment for those who don't (or don't want to) understand people like me. People use these as "feel good" shows; you know like watching "Jon & Kate Plus 8" and thinking...OK, my life can be sooooo much worse, I can handle this. It's the days when you think...OK, I don't want to handle this anymore that become more demanding.

I hear myself keep repeating a portion of a book I used to read to the boys: Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball, so no one can see because I am so small. When the day ends and the sun starts to fall, I do what I do best of all, I find somewhere soft, somewhere cozy and small. And that's where I like to curl up in a ball.

Yes, it's that time of year again...we get to play in the pollen falling off the pine trees. Ohioans may not understand this because I had never seen anything like this before, but EVERYTHING gets covered in this fine mist of yellow pollen. Poor Bob's going to be blowing his nose every three minutes for a couple weeks.

NEW Rheumatologist: I have an appointment with my new one at 1:15 on April 14!!! Of course, you know it's bad when they tell you to call before the appointment to see what time you should ACTUALLY be there since she is habitual runner-over. So, it will probably be at 3...Next time I'll make sure to have a morning appointment. But I'm sooooooo excited; I heard about this lady from a gal at work. The doctor is really excited about "weird" diseases, etc. So I should be her entertainment for a while. I made the mistake of actually writing down all the medications I've tried, the syndromes/diseases I've been diagnosed with, surgeries I've had, and symptoms I have and how often. I was SHOCKED!!!!!!!!! I think they might need to check me for hypocondria. I was pissed to find out that the two doctors my GP sent me to weren't certified by the American Rheumatology Association; HELLO!!!!! We need to find out what's going on and you're going to send me to the Shot Nazis just because they are "in your hospital network"? UGH...I thought I was over that already.

Trip to Ohio: I had such a good time with my bestest friends in the world. I got to see Becky get her Outstanding Woman of Clinton County Award. I also got to see my Greg & Sheryl...oh, and I can't forget the ten doggies over the weekend!!!! I remember now why I like dogs so much - People don't look at you funny if you have a dog in a cage!!! The boys were actually really good on the trip up and back. I slept most of the way, but they were amazingly quiet and sane. Not either of which we get often (or often enough).

Etsy: I got soooooo much done yesterday. I sewed two strapless dresses and one top. I still have to finish my sorority quilt by Thursday, but I don't see a problem with that...Then I have a clergy robe (yeah, the Anti-Christ making anything that has to do with church - Hey, I take Godly money too), two strapless dresses and two jackets along with an order of four more t-shirt quilts (possibly seven)!!

Birthday: Ok, Sunday was the birthday...we were driving home from Ohio most of it. I don't know how 32 is going to effect me yet, but so far, so good. Guess it's just like any other day anymore. The boys made me a gigantic card from folded poster board...Bob got me some Miracle Grow & pots for my roses and a pedicure!!! Guess he knows if I feel good, he's more likely to get laid!!!

I'm in the middle of a religious debate with a pastor...see the point in this??? Yeah, I don't either. But I'm not one to quit or not give my two cents.

Well, Benjamin's been rained out of his Opening Day and going to miss the make up since we'll be in Ohio. Looks like we're going to have practice cancelled tonight as well.

I have my first staff meeting in 45 minutes, that should be a blast.

Went to the dr yesterday. Apparently I'm not taking in enough fluids for a normal person, but I am also on a diuretic, so that's makes it even worse. Dehydration is making me miserable. Gotta find a new rheumatologist to do x-rays of my neck and spine.

Etsy is going well for me. I just completed one T-shirt quilt with another close behind. I have been drafted (and loving it) to make dresses, skirts, and shirts for my bestie, Traci. Of course, I've sold more already!!! Oh, yeah, and the pastor I'm in the debate with...I'm making him a clergy robe for him to preach in....Guess the Anti-Christ is fine as long as they're functional, huh? I've been learning how to make banners via some free software on the internet, so my Etsy shop has a couple different looking banners now...www.quiltedmemories4u.etsy.com.

Friday we're leaving for Ohio. Bob's dropping me off at my friend, Becky's...she's getting the Outstanding Woman award for Clinton County due to her work with the Humane Society...which I still do the books for...and I get to see Sheryl; she's my sounding board and usually a pretty good one that keeps me out of trouble.

The past week has been miserable. I don't know if I have been doing too much (which if you look at the house and my activities on the weekends, I have been doing NOTHING)! But I ended up going home within a half hour after coming to work on Wednesday. I got back home at 8:30, gave Bob & Giz a smooch and crawled into bed. I woke up for the first time at 2:40, but went back to sleep until 3:10. Today I feel like I could curl up on the floor of my office and sleep until 4:15 (it's only 7:18)...I've quit going to the Hitler doctor that just wanted to stick shots in my hips, it seems to have made my neck worse...figure that one. I have a crown that doesn't fit like it's supposed to, don't know how that happened, but my gums are so swollen above it, it only makes sense. My shoulders feel like I'm carrying the weigh of the world; even when I try to relax.

I'm excited there has been a new drug approved for Fibromyalgia called Savella. I've tried Lyrica and Cymbalta with no avail. Now it's just pain killers, anti-inflammatories, anti-depressants, and vitamins. I feel like a balloon losing its air. It starts with my head and goes to my feet, if I don't stop for a minute or two I will just turn into mush...at least that's what it feels like. If I try to push through it, I end up nauseaus and sick. Isn't there someone out there that can fix this???????

This is the most amazing website I've ever seen for optical wear. Check it out!!!!

I have started taking Wellbutrin again in conjunction with Prozac. It has been working well or it is just the fact I gave my notice. I weighed 182 lbs on the day I started taking it and less than a week later I'm in at 176!!! I'm not hungry...guess why that's why it's also used for weight loss and smoking cessation. Oh well, I need that too, so why not!

I ended up pissing Bob off on New Year's Eve night since I ended up asleep instead of doing "other things". I just spent most of the day in bed yesterday with a sore throat, body aches (which really aren't abnormal for me), "stomach issues", and head/neck ache...this pissed Bob off again. Today, Benjamin and I are doing our annual celebration of his birthday by going to the movies, out for lunch, then whatever else he wants for the day. I cannot believe he is 7 years old today. I try to think back on where I was seven years ago, and it's almost a blur now.

I have another appointment with my rheumatologist on January 7 for another round of shots in my hips. I'm hoping he can start looking at my spine & neck; not making me wait until he gets done torturing my hips. I wake up at night when I turn over 'cause it sounds like a cement mixer in my neck. Grinding and scraping....I think I wouldn't have such interrupted sleep if I could sleep through turning over.

Still have to make an appointment with my family doctor to review my MRI, blood counts, etc. since my last visit and the addition of a number of drugs. I have also found a new website from the National Institute of Health which accepts 100 patients each year which have undiagnosed issues. The doctor submits them and their history and they pick. However, even if you don't get picked, a number of times they will relay messages back to the doctors to provide possibly avenues of treatment. These are added to the file just in case they are picked next year!!!! I will be review this as soon as possible with my GP! Any bit of information is better than nothing at this point.

We have had a dilemma over the past couple months with Cohen writing his name upside down and backwards. He would prefer to read what the teacher and I write upside down. The daycare told us to wait for a while before we really become concerned, so we did...Until today.

Cohen was looking at Bob's Toyota hat. I asked him if he could tell me what it said and he just shrugged it off. A little while later when he thought we weren't paying attention, he read it...however, it was upside down and backwards. So, I googled it. Can you believe there were 4.5 MILLION results for this?????? Anything from dyslexia and dysgraphia to dyscalculic. Haven't heard of all of those, but I started reading a couple of the blogs. People were doctors, CEOs, all kinds of intelligent...and they could all read upside down and backwards. Some could write in mirror images, however, most of them could not do math in the same fashion.

So, of course, I had to try it. You know something...my mom and I both read better upside down & backwards than normal!!!!!!!!! In some situations, it's a hereditary condition linked to ADHD and such. So, now I'm going to start on Monday contacting the local district to see what we need to do to get him ready for school.

Interesting finding: Leonardo daVinci used to write in his journals backwards!

I went to pick Benjamin up from school yesterday as usual. I was signing him out when I heard this horrendous scream that only a mom knows is her child. I turned around to see Benjamin with his hand to his head, tears streaming down his face, and the teacher in absolute terror. He'd apparently taken a header into the cement block gym wall creating an instantly bruised goose egg. Two things make this a major issue: 1 - Benjamin is a pussy when it comes to pain; 2 - The teacher's reaction made him panic.

This is not the first time we've experienced this exact incident...of course, the first time he was two, at a wedding, and apparently drinking wine from the head table. He took a header into a steel door jam when he lost his footing. Bob and his mom freaked. I had to take him outside away from them all to be able to assess the damage...what's your name, how old are you, can you stand up straight? I ended up having to take him to Children's Hospital ALONE (Bob was the DJ at the wedding, and I didn't need a 3-month old Cohen making things worse). He was fine.

Yesterday finally turned sensible when I got the teacher removed from his sight. The panic in her eyes was making him cry harder. I took off my sweater, wrapped the ice in it and stuck it on his head as I convinced him everything would be fine. I made sure to give detailed descriptions of what the process was going to be in order to see if he was following directions or disoriented. He got a drink of water and walked out fine. I'm either an insensitive bitch or can handle chaos.

This is what the new rheumatologist is treating me for this time. The first one is a pissed-off sac of fluid on the ball of the femur causing intense pain and inflammation; eventually causing the other one. There's a big band of tendon that goes from the butt, to the front of the thigh, to behind the knee. This muscle is trying to get a divorce from the other since it's causing so much trouble in the family. So, I got two shots of steriods (one in the tender part of each hip). Tomorrow I get to start sitting on ice packs for 20 minutes twice a day, then heat on my thighs for the same. No stairs, lifting, bending, or squatting. Out of the chair for 3-5 minutes every hour. Get to go back on January 7 for a repeat of the same. He said as soon as we treat the bursa, then we can get started on the rest of it. Not really comfortable to think what that is going to be, but it depends heavily on how much damage has been done over the past 17 years of non-treatment...or at least treatment for something completely different.

It's been three hours since I got my shots and I think I'm going to waddle home early so sit on something soft.

OK, now that I got your attention: I got the results to the MRI today...yep, normal. Can you believe they called me such a horrid thing????? Me...NORMAL?????

Anyway, I don't know where we go from here. I've had some new things pop up lately, so I don't know if they are indicative of anything new or interesting (medically, that is). Yep, I'm back at the original topic: Green breast discharge. This doesn't exactly appear normal to me (or my OBGYN either). She was truly expecting a tumor on the MRI to show up around my pituitary gland. This would explain a number of my issues, including the green stuff. It was a pretty green; one that you could use in the living room or bathroom. I know...Bob told me I was a sick bitch to even think of such a thing...hmmm, such is life. The tumor would push against the pituitary gland making it produce more prolactine than usual causing galactorrhea.

Anyway, here we are no further along than we were before.